Mastaball was invented by Nick Buffum and Tom Gubernat during their tenure at Bard College. It was later perfected through play with several of their closest friends and some strangers.

A game, a metaphor, a meditation technique, an opportunity to learn life lessons while connecting with others on fundamental levels…

Instinctual, primal, intellectually charged, sexually gratifying…

The simplicity belies the complexity and therein can be found my heart.

In Mastaball there is no losing or winning: only zool.

How to play:

First, get some people together; as many as you like, but it’s got to be more than two. Set up chairs in a circle like configuration, one chair per player, about arm’s length apart (though, as you will soon see, each configuration reflects the subtle positioning preferences of the players). The number of balls depends on the number of players. If we use four players as an example (which, incidentally, is my number of choice) we would probably start with three balls. Four balls quickly gets nuts (though the occasional introduction of a fourth ball can be a lively and hectic challenge that I quite enjoy). It’s important to experiment with the number of balls since so much depends on the group dynamic. I find the following “rule of thumb” helpful: if mastaballing is super easy, add another ball; if it’s super hard (after you think there’s has been sufficient “warm-up time”), subtract balls.

The game begins when the first ball is thrown from one player to another. There are no rules regarding order of throwers or receivers (hence the “freestyle” that comes before the “juggling” in that quote from my dad). The object of the game is to throw and catch with the group without dropping any of the balls.

While the concept is a simple one, Mastaball is quite challenging and is saturated with staggering nuance. More on this later.

Note: Don’t get discouraged if it seems hectic at the beginning of the game. Often it takes a while for players to complete the aforementioned “warm up”.

Also note: Mastaball requires Zen like concentration that nourishes the pleasure centers of the brain while simultaneously stimulating deep intellectual thoughts. In this way (and in many others) Mastaball promotes overall health and well being.

Physical fitness and Mastaball:

You don’t need to be in good physical condition to play Mastaball since you’re seated throughout. Still, arms, shoulders, back and abs achieve a delicate tone and strength that suggests lithe coordination, mind/body synthesis and a magnetic personality that others respond to innately.

The Mastaball “Zone”

All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reason, passion, and desire.

— Aristotle (384 BC – 322 BC)

Inigo Montoya:
You are wonderful.

Inigo Montoya:
I… am not left-handed.

When you play Mastaball, you must rely on your peripheral vision, coordination, olfactory sensitivity, E.S.P… but, while your physical/mental skill and focus are crucial to a successful game of Mastaball, the physical/mental skill and focus of your teammates can be of equal or even greater importance. Conscious thought-to-action responses are too slow for Mastaball. As balls fly about, each player relies on their “hyperconsciousness.” In this state, objects become extensions of the hyperconscious parts of the Mastaball whole. Instead of communicating with language (regular, body or sign), facial expressions, sex, morse code, etc., players communicate via the game itself. As they experience the give and take — the freestyle dance, the rhythmic body chant — they are at once witnesses and creators. And when all balls achieve simultaneous ups, a collective breath held while players steel themselves and eachother as they prepare for impending action: a new synergy is realized. Bodies are elegantly centered. Core muscles are strengthened. Balance is achieved.

Indeed, you are right to suspect me of cribbing this paragraph from a yoga manual (or other cultish handbook of sorts [fill-in-the-blank-re: cultish handbook of sorts]). Indeed, the soul-deep mind/body connections forged during Mastaball are, outside of this “game”* maddeningly elusive. These connections and the social/personal/physical/meditative/philosophical/etc. insights they reveal, have been sought by many dating back as far as recorded history was recorded. Of course, they continue to be sought today. Some of the archetypes who have searched for Mastaball’s truths (and have often invented mores, ideologies, cults, clubs and religions as desperate attempts at fabricating the sources of the “truths” their lack of Mastaballing has left obscured) include: religious holy people, nut bags, zealots, celebrities, athletes, the Beatles, the pre-Socratics, the Socratics, the abstract expressionists, the figureheads of the Civil Rights movement, the feminist movement as a whole, communism (in certain respects), existentialists, Freudians, saints, the animal kingdom…

While they were without Mastaball as such, you can see how some of the greatest minds (and the most militant) recognized the principles inherent to the game… the staggering nuances… the fundamental truths… While you were right to suspect me of cribbage, I did not in fact copy the writings of others but channeled the experience of the “game” (see footnote demarkated with a stunning *) into my own words. Now, below, you will find their words. Through those words you will see how we as a people have longed for Mastaball through the ages… Oh what wars may have been prevented, what lives saved…

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts…

— William Shakespeare, “As You Like It”, Act 2 scene 7

Great ability develops and reveals itself increasingly with every new assignment.

— Baltasar Gracian

Scientology is the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others and all of life. Man is an immortal, spiritual being. His experience extends well beyond a single lifetime. His capabilities are unlimited, even if not presently realized — and those capabilities can be realized. He is able to not only solve his own problems, accomplish his goals and gain lasting happiness, but also achieve new, higher states of awareness and ability. In Scientology no one is asked to accept anything as belief or on faith. That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true. An individual discovers for himself that Scientology works by personally applying its principles and observing or experiencing results.

— L. Ron Hubbard

Now, replace “Scientology” with “Mastaball”…

Mastaball is the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others and all of life. Man is an immortal, spiritual being. His experience extends well beyond a single lifetime. His capabilities are unlimited, even if not presently realized — and those capabilities can be realized. He is able to not only solve his own problems, accomplish his goals and gain lasting happiness, but also achieve new, higher states of awareness and ability. In Mastaball no one is asked to accept anything as belief or on faith. That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true. An individual discovers for himself that Mastaball works by personally applying its principles and observing or experiencing results.

Additionally:

Mastaball as a non-partisan avenue down which you might find some of the insights you seek. Mastaball neither advocates nor supports the use of antidepressants. Mastaball is all-inclusive and doesn’t require big bucks in exchange for “secret teachings”. Oh what wars may have been prevented, what celebrity lives saved…

We can be sure that the greatest hope for maintaining equilibrium in the face of any situation rests within ourselves.

— Francis J. Braceland. O Magazine, April 2003

Player Preferences:

There are many aspects of Mastaball that are open to variation: the location in which the game is played, the size and shape of the chairs, the size and shape of the balls, the number of players, the distance between players, the involvement (or lack thereof) of alcohol and “wacky” tobacco products, etc. Below I have outlined my preferences for Mastaball optimization. Please feel free to experiment with your teammates in order to define your own preferences (and please feel free to tell us what you have discovered in the comments section of this post).

Soccergirl’s ideal Mastaball configuration:

The Arena:

We have an excellent Mastaball space in the downstairs apartment of our house. Unfortunately there are usually people living down there and they fill up the space with stuff (”fuck them” I think… I mean who would put a bed in a Mastaball court!? Shit.) The reasons I find the space ideal are several-fold (see below).

1) The lowish ceiling limits arc height. This both makes the game faster and prevents the blind top-of-the-head hit (mostly). Of course, if you’re Ryan and you lean down willy nilly to pick up dropped balls without keeping your eye on the court, you might still experience the head hit. Still, the rate and frequency of said hits is noticeably diminished in this indoor space. Additionally, balls that are arched too high often (simply because of the limits of peripheral vision) disappear from view momentarily. This confuses me, though other players I’ve known have less of a problem with this particular issue. The indoor space is also lovely because dropped balls don’t roll all the fuck across the yard which really slows down play and makes players have to get up all the time which can really harsh on a person’s in-the-zone status.

2) This particular room has an old timey radiator whose tubules and pipey parts provide little nooks that are perfect beer protectors.

3) There are fewer bugs indoors and, when you don’t have access to a lit field, you can still play after dark (which is when, in my experience, some of the most intense and moving Mastaball games are played).

4) A confined space keeps the smoke contained. In New England we call this “fishbowling” but some call it a “clambake”.

The Balls:

Traditionally Mastaball has been played with Softballs and these are still my balls of choice (get your mind out of the gutter buddy!) The heft and size of them is incredibly satisfying. This size makes them easier to see, and the weight is, well, it’s sexually stimulating in interesting ways. While I don’t have them myself, I’ve been witness to many a Mastaball testicle hit. We call this is called a Cremens (more on the “Cremens” later). Point is, the size of the Softball often prevents it from falling between the legs, thus saving the testicles from impact. Like I mentioned before, fruit wrapped in duck tape works well too. I find tennis balls are too light and small.

The Chairs:

My chair of choice is armless and sturdy, just like my men.

The distance between players:

I appreciate having the players to my right and left about an arm’s length from me… Partly this is because I have freakishly long arms and when I see balls I can’t help myself from grabbing them. This means I am prone to ball stealing, which is both embarrassing and quite out of line in a Zen game of Mastaball. I think Mandy Patinkin said it best:

“He’s right on top of us. I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using.”
Inigo Montoya

On the other hand (no pun intended) I want to be close enough to my neighbors so that I can help out if they’re about to get smacked in the head or scrotum and so that they can help me if I’m in a similar pinch (in this case replace “scrotum” with “ovary”). I find arm’s length is a perfect balance.

The Cremens:

This is an unofficial term for the Mastaball scrotum hit. I call it unofficial simply because a new term can’t be “official” until it is approved by one Nick Buffum or one Tom Gubernat (the Mastaball creators). “The Cremens” is named after Christopher Cremens, a close friend and Mastaball player who gets more than his fair share of scrotum smacks. It is not clear whether this is due to his abnormally large balls, his wide open-leg positioning, or simple bad luck. Still, the sheer magnitude of scrotum hits, we thought, constituted the coining… so that, if nothing else, his bravery will secure him a place of honor in the future history of this great tradition. Please feel free to use the term “The Cremens” as you please.

If YOU have a Mastaball term you’d like submitted for Nick or Tom’s approval, please email it to me at soccergirlincorporated@gmail.com (or post it in the comments field below).

Mastaball Legends:

This section is still under construction. Coming soon.

* While the current cultural connotations of the word “game” (in America anyway) seem to fall short of defining the multi-facetted nature of Mastaball, the historical ambiguity of the word seems more accurate. From Wikipedia: “Although games have been played since prehistoric times, much of our understanding about them remains speculative.” Wittgenstein had some interesting thoughts on the topic. He argued that the concept “game” could not be understood with a single definition, but rather by a series of definitions that share a “family resemblance”. Additionally, Wittgenstein believed language was itself a game. This all seems particularly relevant when discussing Mastaball. Huh. I wonder if Nick and Tom ever read Wittgenstein.