Jack that ass

Hi, I’m Soccergirl and I find you strangely attractive.

Critically acclaimed and outrageously smoove, Soccergirl has been enthralling the inanimate, tantalizing the meddlesome and emasculating the bullheaded, since 2005. Oh, and there’s nothing about soccer, (that’s just the kind of girl she is).

Schools (the early years) :
week day church nursery school, Mason Rice Elementary, International School of Kenya, Brown Jr. High, Beaver Country Day (yes, BEAVER [which = vagina], CUNT [which also = vagina]ry Day), Selwyn College (which = in New Zealand), Old

School (the college years) :
Bard College, Attended 1999 – 2003, Class of 2003, Bachelor’s Degree, Creative Writing/ European History

Occupation:
Podcaster, BOY-EE!
(I used to be a librarian)

Companies:
Soccergirl, Incorporated

Hobbies and Interests:
PODCASTING!, writing, movie magic, soccer, trivial pursuits, reading, Ryan P., jerkin’ it, BOY-EE!
Favorite Books:
60 Stories by Donald Barthelme, Incognito Mosquito, No One Belong Here More than You, Love is Like a Dog from Hell, The Passion, On the Road, Glamorama, Cat’s Cradle, The Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles, Burning Your Boats, The BFG, Tess of the Durbervilles, poems by Kenneth Patchen, The Art of the Possible, Roald Dahl’s erotic short stories, Ulysses, The End of Faith, The Popol Vuh, Crime and Punishment, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, The Man Who Mistook his Wife for a Hat, The Illiad, Postman, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, The Catcher in the Rye, The Odyssey, To Kill a Mockingbird, Theory of Color, The Diamond Age, Weimar Germany, The Petty Demon, Utopias, The Watchmen

Favorite Authors:
Kurt Vonnegut, Miranda July, David Foster Wallace, Dave Eggers, Angela Carter, Roald Dahl, Margaret Atwood, Raymond Carver, Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, T.S. Eliot, Sylvia Plath, Evgenij Zamiatin, George Orwell, Isaac Asimov, C.S. Lewis, Ursula K. LeGuinn, Neil Stephenson, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Robert A. Heinlein, J.R.R. Tolkein, James Joyce, Lewis Carrol, Johanne Wolfgang von Geothe, Herman Hesse, Charles Bukowski, Kenneth Patchen, Carl Sagan, Flannery O’Connor, Kenneth Koch, Donald Barthelme, Jeanette Winterson (proving that even batshit crazy people can be excellent writers), Hunter S. Thompson, Oliver Sacks, Kathy Acker.

Favorite Movies and TV shows:
Back to the Future, Schizopolis, The Elephant Man, Hudson Hawk, The Three Amigos, On the Waterfront, Zoolander, Evil Dead, The Princess Bride, Mister Show, The Mighty Boosh, Star Trek TNGWet Hot American Summer, Willow, My Neighbor Totoro, The Sarah Silverman Program, Blue Velvet, Labyrinth, Amelie, The Claymation Adventures of Mark Twain, Little Otik, The Dark Crystal, Dinner with Melvin, The Last Unicorn, The Godfather, Eraserhead, The City of Lost Children, Brother from Another Planet, Rushmore, Me and You and Everyone we Know, Don’t Go in the Basement, Fraggle Rock, Brazil, Dr. Who, Time Bandits, Mulholland Drive, The Saddest Music in the World, The Prisoner, Keep the River on your Right, The X-Files, MST3K, The Twilight Zone, Troop Beverly Hills

Favorite Directors:
Miranda July, David Lynch, Hal Heartly, Tom Tykwer, Wes Anderson, Orson Welles, Bob Odenkirk, Almodovar, Fellini, Guy Maddin, George Washington Carver… no wait… that’s the peanut guy, Kevin Smith, The brothers Coen

Favorite Music:
Big Star, Steely Dan, Ween, Syd Barrett, Liz Phair, Frank Zappa, Dan Bern, Tom Waits, The Zombies, Neutral Milk Hotel, Elvis Costello, The Kinks, Steely Dan, God the Band, Blondie, Salt n’ Pepa, Squeeze, The Unicorns, David Bowie, Kevin Ayers, The Flaming Lips, The Shins, The Beatles, Cat Power, The Fiery Furnaces, The Decemberists, Iron and Wine, The Velvet Underground (and Nico), Bob Dylan, The Beach Boys, The Fiery Furnaces, Pavement, The Band, Joni Mitchell, Devendra Banhart, Joan Baez, Janis Joplin, Neil Young, Johnny Cash, James Taylor, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkle, Jurassic 5, MIA, Mos Def, Lady Soverign, Eminem, Company Flow, Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Nina Simone, Regina Spektor, Abba, Queen, The Pixies, Patti Smith, The Good Doctor, the music of my heart.

Who I Want to Meet:
Beautiful men, women and in-betweens. I’d like to meet a stock broker because I have some concerns regarding my portfolio. Hirsute pugilists, candy stripers and megalomaniacs. Ned Flanders. Dick Butkiss. Alvaro Noboa. Abe Hirschfeld. David Cobb. BOB ODENKIRK! (please, if you know him, would you introduce me? Or just steal a hair from his head that I can pray to always?)

—————————————————————————————————————–

Now for some Ryan P. action…
Hold your horses… I’m saving the Ryan “pee action” for later.

Born in a dark and stormy year (1977), Ryan P. Murray grew up in Florida, suffering the unspeakable fate of living in Key Largo when that hideous “Kokomo” song was dominating the airwaves with its geographic inanity. A brief career in child stardom culminated in his speaking role as “Tourist Child” in the 1986 Disney picture Flight of the Navigator. Moving to Minnesota just before the start of high school saved him from melting in the Florida sun, and the Midwestern climate proved ideal for promoting beard growth. Fans of mid-nineties Twin Cities-area public access television will remember him as the wisecracking captain of The Blake School’s 1995 Minnesota High School Quiz Bowl team, which won the state championship that year with its unstoppable four-way assault squad of Murray, Tingley, Freeman, and Byrd. Ryan started attending Bard College in the Fall of 1995, and hopes to have his B.A. in Russian and Eastern European Studies by the end of 2006. (It’s a long story.)

Currently based in upstate New York, Ryan lives in sin with Soccergirl, is employed at a beer store where he receives a twenty percent employee discount, and considers podcasting “a real gas.” He once vomited on an elderly Fijian storyteller named Uncle Peni, which would sound like a wild, rockstar thing to do if he hadn’t been five at the time. He describes his favorite color as “whatever,” goes ga-ga for books and periodicals, and lists among his hobbies “being awesome” and “attracting fine ladies.” Ryan enjoys writing about himself in the third person, don’t I?

Love,

Ryan P.

Remember the good times, listeners.
Always remember the good times.

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